Vampire Struggles (Or How I Learned to Survive a Night Shift)

This post has been a long time coming. I've honestly been reflecting for months on how to start, then I decided to just start because it's information I want out there for other young journalists who may be feeling as isolated as I was.

This blog is about to get personal. Feel free to turn back now. If you're not dealing with what I am/was, you probably won't find a lot of useful tips for your life. But I hope you read on, so you can learn a little empathy for people struggling with mental illness because many of them will never be able to put their thoughts and emotions into words.

So, here goes.

I have hormonal problems -- namely, serotonin problems. You can look up what the neurotransmitter does for yourself, but let's just say it plays an important role in hunger/digestion and mood.
I've always been prone to digestive problems, migraines and monthly mood swings.

Then, I started working overnights. I was so excited to be full-time and trusted with a Monday through Friday daily show. It's a common place for a recent grad to start in TV news. Everyone works it at some point, and most agree, it sucks. But I knew it was coming eventually, and I'd made peace with that in college.

I, however, never anticipated what that shift would do to my body. I'm sure you realize the human body is designed to be out in daylight. It regulates our natural cycles - when to eat, when to sleep and when to have energy. I was always a natural woman. I'd get outside as much as possible and sleep with the sun. Yes, that also meant I was infamous for naps on rainy days and hibernation mode during the winter.

Suddenly, I was telling my body to sleep during the height of the sun and be its most productive during the darkest, coldest hours of night.

If you work this shift, and you're a "normal" person, I recommend trying to keep your body signals as natural as possible. I sleep alone in a room with a fan running to keep it cool and provide white noise, windows covered with black-out blinds and blackout shades and use a sleep mask (because even with those two layers, I'm still aware of the sun outside). Pitch black, quiet and cool. That is key.
When you're awake, make sure to have as many lights on as possible. Darkness really does make you tired and moodier, so make your life as bright and happy as possible!

Unfortunately, if you're like me -- abnormal -- even the most drastic steps won't help. I eat well. I exercise. I mediate and have a healthy family and religious life. I make sleep a priority. When I first started feeling laggy on the new shift, I saw my doctor and followed instructions to take a Vitamin-D supplement to make up for my lost sunlight.

Then, the time change came in November, and I never saw the sun. I got more tired and unhappy. I would feel awake just as I was supposed to go to bed and could barely get myself up at night. I'd wake up and toss and turn during the day, no matter how exhausted I was from sleep deprivation. I'd try to force myself to eat, but I wasn't hungry, and I kept getting nauseous because I was so tired. I eventually got to the point where I would cry for no reason. I couldn't remember anything - things that had happened during the day, what I ate for lunch, etc. I would shiver and feel sweaty on my palms and all down my back. I went from 133 lbs. when I started the night shift down to 117. (That's from July-ish until December of the same year.) I still went to work when I could, but I had such a hard time just sitting there and getting the job done. Then, I really crashed. I woke up tired and would get so dizzy, I'd have to sit back down as soon as I got out of bed. I couldn't control my thoughts at all. My mind would just flit from image to image, and I couldn't slow it down. I called in sick to work for nearly two weeks straight (my doctor actually told me to stay out for a month, but I was out of paid leave and was afraid I was about to get replaced), and I had to give myself a 5-minute pep talk just to muster the energy to walk from the couch to the bathroom or back to my bedroom.

Eventually, after 2 doctors and a trip to the E.R., I was diagnosed with clinical depression with anxiety. Basically, I really couldn't control my thoughts and emotional responses because I had a chemical imbalance in my brain. I started on an SSRI (a drug designed to help my brain soak in more serotonin) and just had to wait and pray that 2 weeks later, it would kick in, and I'd feel more "normal."

Apparently, they're getting more popular for women just to deal with life : CNN's "Are drugs stifling women?" In the male- dominated management world, women can only get ahead by not being emotional. I must agree, moodiness was not helping me get work done. And men still don't understand that any life change affecting your body's natural rhythms (like going to a night shift) affects women much differently.

I was one of the lucky ones. The drug I'm on brought me back to normal, on the first try. Actually, possibly better than I've ever been in my entire life. I used to hear a lot of, "Just let it go," and I mentally couldn't, as much as I didn't want to care. Now, I really can let things go. I no longer work myself up into getting sick to my stomach about a big test or other stressful event. My migraines and digestive systems are acting up a lot less in general. I'm actually sleeping again and waking up my normal, positive, happy self with gobs of energy. And I'm now back up to about 126 lbs. (And yes, I'm still on the overnight shift.)

So, to explain just a little bit about mental illness because many people have asked questions (which I'm happy to answer any time), and I've also now met many more people battling illness and/or addiction.

For most of us, it is NOT a choice. Yes, some people don't know how to properly deal with emotions or other people, so they get into a cycle of self-loathing that breeds depression and anxiety, but it's a cycle. They didn't just wake up and decide to feel awful, or in my case, be so tired you couldn't get off the couch.

It is an illness. It needs to be treated just like asthma or diabetes. It won't go away on its own. You have to know the symptoms and know your normal and get help if you notice any changes. It can get worse if it's not treated. Most cases are treatable or at least, more manageable. And yes, it was made quite clear in my case, just because you think "it's all your head/mind over matter," does not mean physical illness won't accompany it. You can't mentally battle your way out of a panic attack. Believe me, I tried.

Don't assume we're all crazy. In news, many people who do "crazy" things "have a history of mental illness." Just be aware, if I ever stabbed a family member, I, too, would "have a history of mental illness." You can find my medical records. It's on them, and I went to a 3-week outpatient program for it. I also got a 4.0 while earning a Bachelor's Degree. We're not ignorant. We're not all from terrible childhoods. Sometimes, our minds just rebel, and you can't fault us for that. I can honestly say, I wouldn't want to be held responsible for anything I said/did while I was away from work. And I can honestly say, I don't remember much of it because my mind really wasn't mine.

So, conclusions:
1. If you work overnights, and your body doesn't handle it well, it's ok. You're not alone. You're not crazy. It doesn't matter how many of your co-workers don't have a problem. YOU DO. And you need to fix it before it gets worse.
2. Find people who are supportive, no matter when they can see you. When you're dealing with emotional problems, don't isolate yourself. I had fantastic friends who still wanted to hang out even when I was too tired to drive and told them I might fall asleep during any movie they took me to.
3. If you work with people who admit their mental illness, support them! I had some people blame me for my feelings -- like, if I just changed my attitude about my shift, I would feel better. WRONG. Let them know you'll do whatever you can to help, and you'll be the sunshine and happiness and energy for them. Check in occasionally. See if there's anything they've done to feel better. Open up about yourself. I had a co-worker tell me about his trouble sleeping and trying a prescription to help with his night shift, and I didn't feel so alone.
4. If, as a journalist, you're doing a story about mental illness, realize the people suffering from it are "suffering." And we're human beings. Treat your subjects with dignity.
5. Finally, most importantly, support mental illness awareness! Don't attach the stigma that you're "weak" if you get help or you're "crazy" if you're diagnosed. Nearly 20 million people suffer from depression alone, every year, and less than half of them seek treatment. Read more at Mental Health America.

If you ever want to talk about mental illness, you can find a crisis line at the MHA web link or tweet me: @RachelManning3.

Making the Most Out of Maybe

Hello again, readers.
I realize it's been a long while, but nothing much had changed* in my life. I didn't have any inspiration, no tidbits I thought would help other young journalists.
Then I realized - maybe that was the point.

Many times in your life you don't find inspiration, but you keep working all the same.
You have to make the most out of "maybe."

In your educational career, you always know exactly what you're working toward.
"I want to pass calculus."
"I want to get enough credits to move on to my junior year."
"I'm getting a degree in broadcasting."
There's a clear goal. And, if you're like me, who appreciates logic, planning or organization, you probably have a timeline to get there. The classes you need to take, the skills you need to learn.

Thus entered my professional career.
I knew where I wanted to be (producing full-time in a place I could call home), but I didn't know how to get there. There's no set test you have to pass. And you can't make a timeline when you don't know when jobs will open up.

So, my advice - just keep plugging away. Don't count on getting what you want when you want.
All you can do is impress your superiors. Convince them they should keep you around, that you're a good enough employee they'll want to work with you in the future and promote you if something comes up.
But don't count on anything ever coming up.

Make peace with "maybe." Don't get upset if you're in the same position for awhile. If you are upset, start looking elsewhere, but never turn your back on your current employer. Give them your all in the meantime, and they just may be willing to acknowledge you deserve a better position, even if it's not with them. Glowing recommendations always help. It's a small industry.

That's all I have for now! Good luck, young journalists, and keep up the hard work.

* I say "had changed" because I have since gone full-time at my current company, and I couldn't be more thrilled! But I'll never think such opportunity or good-timing is typical.

Growing Pains

“There are moments when you'll have a different point of view because you're a fresh set of eyes; because you don't care how it's been done before; because you're sharp and creative; because there is another way, a better way. 
But there will also be moments when you have a different point of view because you're wrong, because you're 23 and you should shut up and listen to somebody who's been around the block.” -John Lovett, former speechwriter for Pres. Obama

I was trolling must-reads-for-your-lunch-hour and came across this quotation in a list of those offered during commencement addresses. And I must say, I connected with it.

Our newsroom recently had a major overhaul in how shows were done (new graphics package, control room equipment, etc.). As a newbie, I was hardly used to the old way. I felt like one of the few ready to tackle the new technology head-on.

I also recently turned 23. And also, recently, learned to shut up.

So, here it goes...

I'M NOT GOOD AT MY JOB.

There, I said it. Quite frankly, I basically had someone say it for me at work, and I ruminated (angrily) over it for days.
Then, the anger turned to acceptance, and even a hopeful calm.

I have barely been producing live television for 6 months. There is no WAY I can be good at my job. As a straight-A student/former valedictorian and top scholar in my department, it's a hard thing for me to admit. Up to now, everything's been easy. Everything has built on everything I learned before. I got firm instruction before I was ever allowed to touch anything.

Now, I must accept that things have flipped. They expect me to touch things and learn. It's not building on what I've learned before, because such equipment wasn't there before. It's new even for those who have been around the producing block.

Now I have to accept that a C or a B is pretty dang good. I can't go home and cry every time someone points out a mistake I made. As my boss once told me, I'll make plenty in my career, so I should simply learn how to correct it for the future and get ready to make my next one. (Here, I must thank my superiors who have never had an unkind word or criticism to say to me. They'll very gently push me to be better. They'll offer a "You put together a great show, but... here's how to make it even more steller in the future, but it really was good.")

So, why do I say "hopeful calm" when a peer complained about how I was doing my job? This hearkens back to me learning humility, learning to be the 23 year old who just shuts up.

When I realize I'm not perfect and that I still have something to learn, I'm actually open to learning. I can't fall back on my degree and think I have a right to be there. Believe me, I don't. I have absolutely no right to be working in a top-40 market one year out of college. I've gotten advice from multiple producers, directors, editors and managers. They have been around the block, and by being humble and getting over the fact that I'm not a straight-A producer, I feel no shame walking up to them, admitting I suck and asking for help.

I heard multiple times in the Honors Program about the value of being a lifelong learner. Suddenly, I'm realizing how important that actually is. My degree does NOT mean I know what I'm doing. It means I spent four years learning how to learn, how to find mentors who will work with me to make me into what I want to be. 

So no, I'm not good at my job. But thanks to my education, and realizing sometimes I need to ask for help, I'm always better at my job. And, hopefully, one day, I'll be good enough for my toughest critic : myself.

Why am I here again?

After reading some recent complaints about how journalists conduct themselves (both at work and on my connections' Facebooks), I felt obliged to prepare you all for something I wasn't anticipating when I got into this business.

When you tell people you work in news (or if the news business comes up in conversation), there are generally two reactions:
1) They begin to gush over how glamorous it must be.
2) They rail on how the news industry is full of liars and people with no respect for privacy and/or authority and is run by big corporations that own multiple channels and control the events/news in the world.

So, I want to offer some perspective, both to remind you why you're still in it when the going gets tough and in case anyone of the former 2 opinions decides to read this post.

First off, it's not all glamor. If you think you want to get into the news industry because of the shiny reporters and the sensationalized reports of scandal and change and kids who saved an entire apartment building during a fire, you may want to rethink your career.

Most days, it's "mundane" stories, like road construction or fast food robberies. To concede to #2ers, yes, we are gatekeepers of the news. We decide what is published, but we don't create it. We don't make up news and generally, most journalists aren't looking to create conflicts. Sure, we all love a juicy controversy, but we didn't create those arguments; we just report them.

Second, we are a business. While I (and hopefully, most journalists) try to be ethical in my news-gathering, I won't deny that we're also there to provide a money-making service. (But believe me, young journalists, you shouldn't be in it for the money.) Our service is to inform the general public of things we deem "newsworthy." Unless you've taken journalism classes, you probably don't know what would qualify, and I'll let you in on a secret - sometimes I don't either.
This is why I love viewer feedback. I don't know who's watching what I write. I honestly get frustrated when I catch an error later, and no one called me out on it because I then think no one's watching or no one cares about our accuracy. Often, we only get negative feedback that's anything but constructive. I want people to say what stories they enjoyed or want to know more about. If people are going to attack our coverage, saying we don't cover what they want or "ignore" things, then they better be just as prepared to tell us what they want. I can't repair a problem if I don't know it exists.
Usually, we get our information from professionals. Sometimes, we do get tips from viewers, but generally, it's press releases from PR reps or public information officers. We don't control the information they give us, and they, too, are just doing their jobs to provide information, so why should we be judged for relaying it and trying to make a living off it?

Third, larger organizations generally mean more security. Most Americans work to be able to support themselves. They strive to achieve the American dream and think American industry is strong, but many people somehow expect journalists to be independent of that "industry" mindset. They think we lose our independence if we're part of a media conglomeration. In reality, in this economy, it's all part of security, both for the news outlet and for the journalist. So, journalists, don't be ashamed for "selling out" by joining an outlet owned by a larger company. You're working for a business, just like everyone else. News-gathering is your job. You often have access to better resources, and thus can create better reports, if you have a mother company to back you up.

Lastly, you should never be ashamed of your job. No matter how many angry posts, calls, emails or letters you get, just remember- You have just as much a right to support yourself as a journalist as you do in any other field. I'm not saying if you mess up, you don't deserve some criticism. I'm just saying, don't think you picked the wrong field or you're screwing up just because someone else (who doesn't understand how you work) says he/she doesn't respect you. They generally are in no place to make that assessment, and you shouldn't read too far into it. If you're feeling really optimistic, and they're willing to listen, let them know how outlets function. Don't let them continue to view the media as some secretive, evil business. We strive for transparency and accuracy, so do your job-  inform the public. Make them see we're humans, too, and yes, that also means we're imperfect, too.

Remember- we're not in it for the glamor, money or public appreciation. We're in it to bring light to the darkness and inform the public about the world around them.

Pro-tip from a Frugal Fashionista

I want to preface this post with a disclaimer, so here you go.

DISCLAIMER: I firmly believe journalists should remain objective in their reporting and independent in their jobs. However, I also believe that journalists do have a personal life and beliefs, and I'm completely fine with them having a bias as long as they're transparent about it. There you go. I clearly do believe this because I just stated my own beliefs on a journalistic blog.

As a human being, I believe in 2 things when conducting my life:
1) The green/natural movement. I'm a big fan of natural energy (solar, wind, water, etc.) and natural foods (avoid the processed meat!). I want to leave a tiny carbon footprint.
2) Helping other people/the environment with my choices. I don't like to exhaust resources, and I'm a sucker for giving money to people or causes that help other people. (Just ask me about my two favorite solo musical artists right now.)

Having said that, I must make a case to all of you young journalistas...or listos, if you're male...? Either way, it's all inclusive.

If your journalism classes are anything like mine, you know our future is iffy at best. There are dozens of applicants for one position - a position that may not even be around in a few years. We want to have an edge - in the newsroom, at networking events and during the interview.

To get said edge, appearance is key. If no one has stressed this to you yet, allow me to do so now, as my mentors did. "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have."

Now I know what you're thinking- "Uh, Rachel, that's all fine and dandy to say, but eventually, I want to be an executive. I can't blow my part-time job's paychecks that I need for rent on a nice wardrobe." And I totally agree. Believe me. And I don't even pay rent!

My secret? THRIFTING.

I know. I know. That's below you. All the thrift stores are full of '80s pant suits and ugly Christmas sweaters. Plus, the clothes are ratty and possibly infested with bed bugs. Only dead-beat parents on welfare shop there. I've heard it all.

But you know who donates to thrift stores? Often the middle and upper classes. Heck, MY family donates to them when we outgrow things.

But I also buy clothes from them. I'm a self-proclaimed Goodwill addict. (I actually preferred the Village Discount Outlet, but that's now sadly closed.)

Let's get off your high horse and do the math for a second...
Typical work week is 5 days, so you'll need a different shirt for each day. $20 each at a cheap brand-name store...or a sale. $100.
And you'd literally be wearing the SAME shirts every week. Not so good for keeping a professional reputation.
Compare to thrifting. My Goodwill shirts are generally $5 each. That's $25 per week of clothes. This week, I managed to buy some items half-price as part of a manager's special. $12.50 per week of clothes. At least one shirt still had its original tag. (The original version of regifting clothes you didn't want.) Many items were name brands I could never afford otherwise. I've bought New York & Company, Gap, Express, etc.
Plus, I didn't have to exhaust more resources or labor creating a new shirt, AND my money goes to a good cause.
For the record, I also have gotten multiple compliments at work for having "cute outfits" or looking "extra-dressy/classy today." Yeah, that's right. People usually can't tell the difference. Win-win.

So, to conclude, pro-tips for thrifting:
- Check store websites for special promotions. If you're going to stretch your dollars, better make it count.
- Before you go, decide what you're looking for. There will be a TON of racks to go through that are often only vaguely organized, so I'd recommend only looking for a few choice pieces that coordinate with pieces you already own.
- Check quality! Sometimes pieces DO have small holes, ripped stitching or missing buttons that either workers don't catch or apparently don't care about.
- Try everything on. Thrift stores are just like any other store. Some things look good on you; others don't.

I've let you in on my secret. I hope it keeps you fabulous! Happy thrifting!

It Takes a Village...

...to raise a child, but it also takes a newsroom to raise a producer.

I mentioned in my last post that I'm now serving as an associate producer with the intention to be trained well enough to eventually get hired as a full-time producer.

I wanted to use this opportunity to pass along a piece of advice for those of you still in school (and also for you who are starting out with entry-level positions and beyond). Diversify your mentorships.

Just as most finance experts recommend you diversify your portfolio to secure your assets, I think most education experts would recommend that you become the most well-rounded student you can be.

I lived in a very close-knit educational living community in college. We talked about everything...every day...for four years. I know how tempting it can be to follow a favorite professor throughout your entire academic track as much as Sam followed Frodo right into Mordor. I have friends who tried to figure out how to fill their degree requirements and take the majority of their classes with certain professors they enjoyed the most. I won't say I didn't have my preferred professors and teaching styles with whom I took multiple classes. But I also made an effort to take classes with as many of the professors in our department as I could.

Again, I say embrace diversity. All of your professors or professional mentors may have ended up in the same place for right now (whether that's a specific newsroom or a university), but each is an individual with a unique background who can offer unique insights about their journey and how they ended up where they did.

During my short stint as an AP (just closed in on 2 months), I have worked alongside/under all but 2 of our newsroom's 8 producers, as well as both of our EPs and gotten advice from our news director and assistant news director. As I said before, try to be a well-rounded student. Each of our producers has a different workflow, a different opinion about what's newsworthy or what should go in certain shows and a different writing style. If I only worked with one producer, I wouldn't have that exposure to different ways of thinking that both improve the overall way I do things and help me to develop my own style.

So, have as many mentors as possible. Get as much feedback as possible. Observe or job shadow as many people as you can, whether they're in the position you think you want to fill (so you can find out how to do things properly and decide if it's actually where you want to be) or if they're in a different field/position (so you can keep your options open/decide if you might like to go a different way). I really can't stress how important the "village" mentality is to raise best professional possible. Everyone is unique, so the best way to "see the big picture" of your chosen career path is to draw from a big pool of professionals.

Happy career hunting!

It's Not About the Title...

...it's about the experience.

I want this blog post to be short. I know, it's a rarity for me.

Basically, my message today is to not be discouraged by your current job, if it's in your field but not really where you want to be.

When I took my first job out of school, one of my professors actually told me to look for something else. He knew I wanted to write the news, not be working in production, but I was willing to take my chances.

Although production was my job description, I didn't let that stop me from learning more. I started out writing some web stories and rather quickly moved into a position as an associate producer.

Before I got hired as an AP, I was filling in as one, under my title of PA. Even if I hadn't eventually gotten the job, I realized no one could take away what I'd learned while filling in. No matter where I went from there, I'd still have the new skills I picked up that could help me on my path to be a producer.

Now that I'm an AP, I'm hoping to train quickly and should be producing a show on my own here and there soon. Even though I'm not officially a producer, I can still pick up the skills I need to be one.

So, my conclusion- don't worry about your job title. Use the resources (either physical/technological or the people) around you to learn what you need to get where you want to go. Sometimes, getting into the position you want is more about your drive and being in the right place than having the correct job description.