This post has been a long time coming. I've honestly been reflecting for months on how to start, then I decided to just start because it's information I want out there for other young journalists who may be feeling as isolated as I was.
This blog is about to get personal. Feel free to turn back now. If you're not dealing with what I am/was, you probably won't find a lot of useful tips for your life. But I hope you read on, so you can learn a little empathy for people struggling with mental illness because many of them will never be able to put their thoughts and emotions into words.
So, here goes.
I have hormonal problems -- namely, serotonin problems. You can look up what the neurotransmitter does for yourself, but let's just say it plays an important role in hunger/digestion and mood.
I've always been prone to digestive problems, migraines and monthly mood swings.
Then, I started working overnights. I was so excited to be full-time and trusted with a Monday through Friday daily show. It's a common place for a recent grad to start in TV news. Everyone works it at some point, and most agree, it sucks. But I knew it was coming eventually, and I'd made peace with that in college.
I, however, never anticipated what that shift would do to my body. I'm sure you realize the human body is designed to be out in daylight. It regulates our natural cycles - when to eat, when to sleep and when to have energy. I was always a natural woman. I'd get outside as much as possible and sleep with the sun. Yes, that also meant I was infamous for naps on rainy days and hibernation mode during the winter.
Suddenly, I was telling my body to sleep during the height of the sun and be its most productive during the darkest, coldest hours of night.
If you work this shift, and you're a "normal" person, I recommend trying to keep your body signals as natural as possible. I sleep alone in a room with a fan running to keep it cool and provide white noise, windows covered with black-out blinds and blackout shades and use a sleep mask (because even with those two layers, I'm still aware of the sun outside). Pitch black, quiet and cool. That is key.
When you're awake, make sure to have as many lights on as possible. Darkness really does make you tired and moodier, so make your life as bright and happy as possible!
Unfortunately, if you're like me -- abnormal -- even the most drastic steps won't help. I eat well. I exercise. I mediate and have a healthy family and religious life. I make sleep a priority. When I first started feeling laggy on the new shift, I saw my doctor and followed instructions to take a Vitamin-D supplement to make up for my lost sunlight.
Then, the time change came in November, and I never saw the sun. I got more tired and unhappy. I would feel awake just as I was supposed to go to bed and could barely get myself up at night. I'd wake up and toss and turn during the day, no matter how exhausted I was from sleep deprivation. I'd try to force myself to eat, but I wasn't hungry, and I kept getting nauseous because I was so tired. I eventually got to the point where I would cry for no reason. I couldn't remember anything - things that had happened during the day, what I ate for lunch, etc. I would shiver and feel sweaty on my palms and all down my back. I went from 133 lbs. when I started the night shift down to 117. (That's from July-ish until December of the same year.) I still went to work when I could, but I had such a hard time just sitting there and getting the job done. Then, I really crashed. I woke up tired and would get so dizzy, I'd have to sit back down as soon as I got out of bed. I couldn't control my thoughts at all. My mind would just flit from image to image, and I couldn't slow it down. I called in sick to work for nearly two weeks straight (my doctor actually told me to stay out for a month, but I was out of paid leave and was afraid I was about to get replaced), and I had to give myself a 5-minute pep talk just to muster the energy to walk from the couch to the bathroom or back to my bedroom.
Eventually, after 2 doctors and a trip to the E.R., I was diagnosed with clinical depression with anxiety. Basically, I really couldn't control my thoughts and emotional responses because I had a chemical imbalance in my brain. I started on an SSRI (a drug designed to help my brain soak in more serotonin) and just had to wait and pray that 2 weeks later, it would kick in, and I'd feel more "normal."
Apparently, they're getting more popular for women just to deal with life : CNN's "Are drugs stifling women?" In the male- dominated management world, women can only get ahead by not being emotional. I must agree, moodiness was not helping me get work done. And men still don't understand that any life change affecting your body's natural rhythms (like going to a night shift) affects women much differently.
I was one of the lucky ones. The drug I'm on brought me back to normal, on the first try. Actually, possibly better than I've ever been in my entire life. I used to hear a lot of, "Just let it go," and I mentally couldn't, as much as I didn't want to care. Now, I really can let things go. I no longer work myself up into getting sick to my stomach about a big test or other stressful event. My migraines and digestive systems are acting up a lot less in general. I'm actually sleeping again and waking up my normal, positive, happy self with gobs of energy. And I'm now back up to about 126 lbs. (And yes, I'm still on the overnight shift.)
So, to explain just a little bit about mental illness because many people have asked questions (which I'm happy to answer any time), and I've also now met many more people battling illness and/or addiction.
For most of us, it is NOT a choice. Yes, some people don't know how to properly deal with emotions or other people, so they get into a cycle of self-loathing that breeds depression and anxiety, but it's a cycle. They didn't just wake up and decide to feel awful, or in my case, be so tired you couldn't get off the couch.
It is an illness. It needs to be treated just like asthma or diabetes. It won't go away on its own. You have to know the symptoms and know your normal and get help if you notice any changes. It can get worse if it's not treated. Most cases are treatable or at least, more manageable. And yes, it was made quite clear in my case, just because you think "it's all your head/mind over matter," does not mean physical illness won't accompany it. You can't mentally battle your way out of a panic attack. Believe me, I tried.
Don't assume we're all crazy. In news, many people who do "crazy" things "have a history of mental illness." Just be aware, if I ever stabbed a family member, I, too, would "have a history of mental illness." You can find my medical records. It's on them, and I went to a 3-week outpatient program for it. I also got a 4.0 while earning a Bachelor's Degree. We're not ignorant. We're not all from terrible childhoods. Sometimes, our minds just rebel, and you can't fault us for that. I can honestly say, I wouldn't want to be held responsible for anything I said/did while I was away from work. And I can honestly say, I don't remember much of it because my mind really wasn't mine.
So, conclusions:
1. If you work overnights, and your body doesn't handle it well, it's ok. You're not alone. You're not crazy. It doesn't matter how many of your co-workers don't have a problem. YOU DO. And you need to fix it before it gets worse.
2. Find people who are supportive, no matter when they can see you. When you're dealing with emotional problems, don't isolate yourself. I had fantastic friends who still wanted to hang out even when I was too tired to drive and told them I might fall asleep during any movie they took me to.
3. If you work with people who admit their mental illness, support them! I had some people blame me for my feelings -- like, if I just changed my attitude about my shift, I would feel better. WRONG. Let them know you'll do whatever you can to help, and you'll be the sunshine and happiness and energy for them. Check in occasionally. See if there's anything they've done to feel better. Open up about yourself. I had a co-worker tell me about his trouble sleeping and trying a prescription to help with his night shift, and I didn't feel so alone.
4. If, as a journalist, you're doing a story about mental illness, realize the people suffering from it are "suffering." And we're human beings. Treat your subjects with dignity.
5. Finally, most importantly, support mental illness awareness! Don't attach the stigma that you're "weak" if you get help or you're "crazy" if you're diagnosed. Nearly 20 million people suffer from depression alone, every year, and less than half of them seek treatment. Read more at Mental Health America.
If you ever want to talk about mental illness, you can find a crisis line at the MHA web link or tweet me: @RachelManning3.
